


Say a Name, Any Name (My Name)

by QuillAndInkWrites



Series: All The Possible Ways To Love [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Adorable Jester Lavorre, Autistic Jester Lavorre, Coming Out, Family, Gen, Jester is small and stimmy and I love her so much, Marion Lavorre is a Good Parent, POV Alternating, POV Jester Lavorre, POV Third Person, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trans Jester Lavorre, autistic character written by an autistic author, trans character written by a trans author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:07:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26102437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuillAndInkWrites/pseuds/QuillAndInkWrites
Summary: There are names before Jester, of course.Her first name. It slid off of her like water on oiled leather. It didn’t stick. For a long time she just thought that was how names were, out of focus and skittish, never bonding.“Mama,” she had said, one day, “I’m a girl.”The second name wasn’t any better. She only tried it on for five days before discarding it and breathing deep once again.--Sometimes the first name isn't the right one. Nor the second, nor the third. This is Jester learning that that's true, that's life, and that's beautiful.
Relationships: Fjord & Jester Lavorre & Beauregard Lionett, Jester Lavorre & Marion Lavorre | Ruby of the Sea
Series: All The Possible Ways To Love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755685
Comments: 32
Kudos: 121





	Say a Name, Any Name (My Name)

**Author's Note:**

> This is an unapologetic love letter to being trans, just like the last fanfiction I published. It is also a vent fic written in two hours. It is... deeply personal to me. Please treat it with gentle hands.

There are names before Jester, of course.

Her first name. It slid off of her like water on oiled leather. It didn’t stick. For a long time she just thought that was how names were, out of focus and skittish, never bonding.

“Mama,” she had said, one day, “I’m a girl.”

Mama had picked her up and sat her on her lap and said “okay, my love. Would you like a better name?”

“Yes, please, Mama!”

“Do you have one you want?”

She didn’t, so with her permission Mama gave her one.

The second name wasn’t any better.

It was clingy, sticky and tight and uncomfortable. She only tried it on for five days before discarding it and breathing deep once again. No name felt better than that name, but she needed a name for people to sing to her and laugh out and call to get her attention.

That’s okay, though. She’ll just try again. The first name isn’t always the right one, Mama had said.

The third name… felt like the first. It was gone after five months, once she finally realized that it wasn’t any good either. The name wasn’t right, but the time reminded her of getting her first dresses and bows and petticoats, of Mama letting her watch with wide eyes as she applied a perfect stroke of lipstick. It reminded her of playing dress-up the right way for the first, and second, and seventh times. It was both the start of something new and a natural continuation of an always.

The fourth name lasted exactly one hour.

(Mama had always called her her little Sapphire, but now she fell back on it between names, easy as putting on a coat or a boot. That, no matter what, felt right. That fit.)

After the fourth name she was Mama’s Sapphire for a long time. She didn’t stop thinking and looking, but she did slow down. She didn’t need a name, all the time. People could just say “she” and “her” and “Little Sapphire” and “Marion’s daughter” and “silly girl, what are you doing hiding in the curtains?” and she would know they meant Her.

One day, she was playing with Mama. She made a joke out of something Mama had said and Mama gasped, clutching her chest in fake shock. “You jest, little Sapphire!” she had said, and Little Sapphire’s ears had smiled on the inside and her toes had wiggled, so she wiggled her hands, too, and her whole body followed, wiggling from side to side, horns to tail, and she closed her eyes up tight and let out a sound of delight because she was delighted.

“Say that again!” Little Sapphire had cried, smile big and toothy and dimply, as she wiggled with delight.

Mama’s face had turned soft and warm and delighted, from what Little Sapphire could see when she opened her eyes. “Jest?” she said again, and Little Sapphire squeaked and closed her eyes tight again.

“Jest?” Mama said, delight filling the room, “jest, jest, jest?”

“Jest!” Little Sapphire said in her small, bubbly voice. “I like that word so much, Mama!”

“Do you know what it means, little Sapphire?” Mama asked as Little Sapphire repeated the word under her breath over and over and over again.

Little Sapphire shook her head.

“Well, little one, it means to joke, or something that is a joke. You jest a lot!” Mama was smiling and her eyes were soft and warm and sweet like honey as she watched her little girl wiggle and dance in place, giggling and whispering the word  _ jest _ under her breath.

“Did you know that there are jesters?”

Suddenly Mama was being stared at with wide blue eyes and a no longer wiggling child. She was still flapping her hands and flicking her tail back and forth, but there was a definite lack of wiggling nonetheless. Mama would have smiled if she had ever stopped.

“Jesters are people who are paid to make really important people laugh,” Mama said. “They wear bells and dance and sing and tell jokes to monarchs and courtiers. Their job is to make people happy, and people love them so, so much. They love them even when their jokes don’t work right or they sing the wrong notes or they trip over their feet, because the people they make laugh love them for their spirit.”

Little Sapphire chewed on this for a second.

She took a deep breath and opened her mouth.

“I’m Jester!” Jester holds her hand out to the girl in front of her. The girl stares at it, thin, narrow eyes narrowing even further. She slowly reaches out and shakes it with the perfect amount of strength.

“I’m Beau,” she says.

“I’m Fjord,” the green half-Orc says, shaking her hand as well.

They all very tactfully ignore the dead sea snake a few feet away.

“It’s very nice to meet you both,” Jester says, brightly, as her tail flicks back and forth, bow rustling in the wind. “Where are you headed?”

“Rexxentrum,” Fjord says with an awkward smile.

“Away,” Beau says.

“Me too,” Jester says, and doesn’t specify. “What if we all traveled north together?”

“I think that would be a great idea, Jester.”

Jester beams at the sound of her name.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :) kudos and comments are always treasured but never required <3
> 
> (On a side note, for anyone reading this who happens to be adhd and/or autistic, come say hello to me over on tumblr @ quillandinkblog and I would absolutely love to give you an invite to the Autistic & ADHD CR Discord! Or just say hello and hang around, that's super welcome as well <3 <3 <3)


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